Be blessed

from The Valley of Vision
A collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions

The Broken Heart
O Lord,
No day of my life has passed
that has not proved me guilty in thy sight.
Prayers have been uttered from a prayerless heart;
Praise has been often praiseless sound;
My best services are filthy rags.
Blessed Jesus, let me find a covert in thy appeasing wounds.
Though my sins rise to heaven thy merits soar above them;
Though unrighteousness weighs me down to hell,
thy righteousness exalts me to thy throne.
All things in me call for my rejection,
All things in thee plead for my acceptance.
I appeal from the throne of perfect justice
to thy throne of boundless grace,
Grant me to hear thy voice assuring me:
that by thy stripes I am healed,
that thou wast bruised for my iniquities,
that thou hast been made sin for me
that I might be righteous in thee,
that my grievous sins, my manifold sins,
are all forgiven,
buried in the ocean of thy concealing blood.
I am guilty, but pardoned,
lost, but saved,
wandering, but found,
sinning, but cleansed.
Give me perpetual broken-heartedness,
Keep me always clinging to thy cross,
Flood me every moment with descending grace,
Open to me the springs of divine knowledge,
sparkling like crystal,
flowing clear and unsullied
through my wilderness of life.

If you're wondering....

why I keep posting song lyrics instead of my own words and pictures etc...

well, this is a time in my life where I don't all together trust my own words and emotions. It's a time when I hear songs that resonate deep in my soul and I'm thankful I'm not the only one who has thought certain things and felt the way I do... or have.

I'm thankful I am not alone in my thoughts and struggles. In a culture... or maybe just a church culture that doesn't necessarily cultivate a sense of safety in the difficult-
this is my seemingly small attempt to remain true.

So here is the latest song that I can't shake. If you aren't familiar with the work of Sara Groves I encourage you to check her out. But if you do, put on your seat belt because she is for real :)

I Saw What I Saw :
I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

Walking on campus lends itself to reminiscing about when I was there before. When I was full of idealistic views of how my life would be and how my story would go. Those are the times when I thought my story would look a certain way and when I was absolutely certain the way it would not look.

Now I am different, changed. Things have happened and life is not always the way I thought it would or should be.

I have been thinking if I will be the one that sees my circumstances as 'half full or half empty'. The cliche question of pessimism or optimism. I have struggled because neither one seems entirely comfortable.

So maybe for me, it will be both. For me, I think it takes more courage to see things for what they are, as both having and lacking. To take courage when life isn't as black and white as I previously had hoped and believed.

It is taking more courage to be changed and not jaded.

I am not empty but I am worn

These lyrics are so personal. One day, if the Lord ever sees fit to give me a platform, I will honor Him with 'warnings to sailors on their way'.

"The Lighthouse's Tale"
a song by Nickel Creek

I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves.
I keep my lamp lit, to warn the sailors on their way.

I'll tell a story, paint you a picture from my past.
I was so happy, but joy in this life seldom lasts.

I had a keeper, he helped me warn the ships at sea.
We had grown closer, 'till his joy meant everything to me.

And he was to marry, a girl who shone with beauty and light.
And they loved each other, and with me watched the sunsets into night.


And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to sea.
And the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be.

She'd had to leave us, my keeper he prayed for a safe return.
But when the night came, the weather to a raging storm had turned.

He watched her ship fight, but in vain against the wild and terrible wave.
In me so helpless, as dashed against the rock she met her end.



Then on the next day, my keeper found her washed up on the SHORE.
He kissed her cold face, that they'd be together soon he'd swore.

I saw him crying, watched as he buried her in the sand.
And then he climbed my tower, and off of the edge of me he ran.



I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves.
And though I am empty, I still warn the sailors on their way.

Needed a Change :)

mY FiRst dAy oF sCHooL

It was wonderful!

I was scared to death :)

Everything has changed. I have changed. I called my friend Amanda who started back this past summer and she just laughed. We decided that we are way more cool than we were when we were there last :)

But really, it was so good. I loved every second of it. I have forgotten how excited I get over the education process. All of my classes are filled with fun little projects and group work.

We get cute stuff at the end of the semester to take for our future classrooms :0
I am all about cute stuff!

But I just kept thinking about my little boys at home, thinking about how even though I am missing 2 days of every week with them, I will be able to help Clint give them such a neat future.

But I have to tell you, I got home and wondered if they had actually missed me? The girls who are staying here, playing with them are amazing and they absolutely love each other :) I kinda can't believe it! Praise God!

I am thrilled to be in my life right now.

This Journey Is My Own

by Sara Groves

It feels good to walk my own way for a change,
His way for me...
Completely liberating.

When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man’s advice, and I need man’s approval
This journey is my own

Why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
What does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life

So much of what I do is to make a good impression
This journey is my own
And so much of what I say is to make myself look better
But this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life

And I have never felt relief like I feel it right now
This journey is my own
Cuz trying to please the world, it was breaking me down
It was breaking me down

And now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Cuz I know this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life
And you can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain
I can’t even judge myself, only the Lord can say, ‘Well done.’

Oh, this journey is my own

On the road to beautiful

For my old friend Renee


A song for the weak,
a song for the broken
song for the poor,
for the angry,
the bitter and confused.

A song for the broken,
the hurting
a song for the cynic
for the addicted
a song for those who have lost all the words to all their songs

do you not know
have you not heard
your Father does not get weary of you

When the young man walks and faints
when the young girl loses her way
then our great God says rise up on the wings of an eagle
Rise, rise rise
He says rise, rise and fly...

Those who have tripped
feel hurt
left
burdened
confused
rise to your God

let the prodigal parts of your heart return
let the cynical parts of our hearts have peace again
and believe

That is the end to one of my favorite songs...
here is the rest of
On the Road to Beautiful by Charlie Hall

I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I'm a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love

Father come to me, hold me up 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory I will always sing

And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain

Father come to me, hold me up 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory I will always sing

You're my portion in this life
You're my strength now in my fight
And to You I pledge my heart
In the pain and in the dark I'll love You
I'll love You, I'll love You

I'll love You...

Happy Anniversary

Funny, these were taken right before we got married :) You can tell because we are kissing in most pictures ;)

This one is my favorite


This next one is cute but I was laughing and therefore having a hard time concentrating on the kiss :) It's a process that requires a bit of concentration if it is to be done correctly ;)

Someone recently said that we haven't changed a bit. Uh, well, I disagree :) For one thing my hair color has changed and I've had two kids... pretty sure that changes things.
But regardless of the changes, and we've had a few, here we are-together and celebrating.

To be or not to be...

enough.

Sometimes I worry
maybe I'm not brave enough.


"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
1 Corinthians 12:9-10

Perfectly Orchestrated

This may seem a bit hokey to some but it was extremely personal to me.

This Sunday I heard one of the most incredible sermons. I am blessed to sit under my pastor. It was the last in a series on grace. Every one has been beautiful and uncomfortable. However this one was unique in that for a few brief moments, our pastor became so overwhelmed by the grace of God that he couldn't finish reading the stanzas of a hymn. It was beautiful.

I felt like the Lord assured me I was right where I needed to be.

He very clearly spoke that I have been forgiven, sanctified and restored.

He clearly said that even the road ahead wouldn't be easy.

So while I left encouraged, not even moments through the church doors it began...
an onslaught of things that would test my heart.

Yesterday was hard. It ended with me feeling confused and irritated. But it ended with a friend praying over me as we agreed that this was difficult. Her prayer was that the Lord would tear down the walls. Then I had a sad dream... I hate those!

So I woke up and started to tell Clint about it. He was hugging me in the kitchen and said he was sorry. Then he said, "Look, there is a cardinal :), and he sung 'I'm here, I'm here" and we both smiled. I just sat there looking at the cardinal, thinking.

There are people who come into your life and give you gifts that you take with you always. Even through painful and heartbreaking circumstances, they can show you something that you will never forget, a gift.
One such person, a beautiful person, shared with Clint and I that she loves birds and keeps a bird house outside her kitchen window. Every time she will see one it's like the Lord singing to her, "I'm here, I'm here". She wrote on her blog about how the cardinal uses his red coat to protect his partner. That the brightness of the color attracts predators to him and away from her. She made the point that Christ uses His cross to shield us, if we are willing to respond. So every time we see a cardinal, we hear her sing that message, "I'm here, I'm here". Such a gift.

So I sat there, looking out my window this morning, overwhelmed at His message... "I'm here, I'm here" and heard a song that Clint had playing on Itunes.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

Cuz when I cross over Jordan
Gonna sing, gonna shout,
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk though the valley
If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to
(Ginny Owen's If you want me to)

I love Him so much my heart hurts.
Thank you sister for the gifts you gave me.

New Look ;)

Clint told me the other day that our blog needed a new look.

It kinda made me laugh.

So here is what I played around with today.

What do you think?

it's really pink but I kinda like it...

Forward Moving....

Forward thinking....

Well, I finally did it! I have been talking about going back to school to get my teaching license for about 4-5 months.

I graduated in 2005 with an intent to get my masters in psychology :) Funny how the Lord has other plans. I had a baby instead. Nothing like a child to redirect your entire life, they are the very best things that have ever happened to me.

So in order to give us added security and a little more income I am going to return to school and get my teaching license. The hope is to be able to teach in the same elementary school as they attend (dream job would be Providence Christian :)

I can't wait. I am excited and scared all at the same time. But I feel confident that this is the right next step for me.

Funny, sometimes when it feels like you're going back to where you started, in all actuality, you are farther along the road than ever.

Praises

Never Failing

His word never ceases to amaze me, comfort me... to melt my cynicism.

"O you afflicted one, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems, and lay your foundations with sapphires."
Isa. 54:11

"And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in."
Isa. 58:12


His words are water to my soul...

Still Standing

I feel like I should preface this for those of you that read this and don't know all that is happening in our lives right now.

About 6 months ago we entered into a different part of our journey as a couple, as individuals... as children of God.

It is real and painful and a legitimately difficult time. It is not the same as every one's story, in fact I only know a few people in our circle that have walked this same road. That has made it a bit more isolating and lonely... However, one thing that is not different is that we all have our own stories of painful circumstances at times. Circumstances that require more of us than we feel capable of giving.

That is all our story, at one time or another, if we are truly honest with ourselves. Jesus told us it would happen. "In this world you will have trouble..." John 16:33

I hope that as our family finds bravery through Him to do what seems... impossible, that you will be encouraged. That as we take up our cross, and as we struggle to "take heart" in Him you will be reminded that He has truly "overcome the world" and as Oswald says... 'He gives us overcoming life as we overcome' in Him.

Ignore those that might tell you it's draining to grieve difficult times. Granted, it seems to be more a part of some people's lives than others (mine :). But you never know what is down the road from a season of heartache... no matter how long the season. He is faithful.

"Walking, stumbling on these shadow feet
toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when I began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
i'll be found in you
Still standing

Theres distractions buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows its easier to stay
but i've heard rumors of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

You make all things new
you make all things new
You make all things...

Brooke Frasier's Shadowfeet

When Hope is Painful...

believe

" Tonight I forgot a line in the play that you and I
have been rehearsing since the day we met,
It made me put down my script, it made me look around a bit
And wonder how we came to play these roles

I'm here to re-write this tragedy
One line at a time
Hold on, I'm changing all the scenery
it's ok, we'll be fine
Cause we know how this ends

Sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to kill
What of this makes us who we are
All that we love the most, all that we cannot let go
How much change can we survive?

I'm here to re-write this tragedy
One line at a time
Hold on, I'm changing all the scenery
it's ok we'll be fine
Cause we know how this ends
We know there's a better story


There's a better story
Of true love of true grace
There's the hope of glory
And our first chance to be truly brave
It's the place we're going
When we can't stay where we are"
Sarah Grove's Re-write This tragedy

"Lord I believe, but help my unbelief"
Mark 9:24

Summer of Craziness

My silly boys... never a dull moment.


My dad's car show. I'm pretty sure he won first place in his division, he always does :) He built a Shelby Cobra.

This one just makes me smile

Had to flash my claws today....

hahahaha!!

It felt kinda good! :)

Ok first let me say this girl is a fairly nice person... I suppose ;) But she messed with the wrong chica today!

you know how you can get irritated or annoyed with your child but everybody else better watch their tone? I know you know what I mean... :) And I'm not referring to when my child does something legitimately wrong, but when someone is just impatient or haphazard with my child.

No sir... or ma'am or whom ever.

So today I dropped Aslan off at the YMCA childcare (which he usually loves). And I was having one of those mommy moments when I was having a hard time walking out of the room. He has been mentioning that other kids were yelling at him.

Now Aslan is precious but I know he has his share of depravity wrapped up in that little heart of his. But he is a child... and not just any child but my child. And I know when he is being drama and then I know when his feelings are really hurt.

So, back to the Y childcare center. I was standing there scoping out the other kids... a little girl, a few little 3 year olds and a couple of big 6 -7 year old boys. I was standing there trying to discretely send telepathic messages to these bigger boys warning them not to touch my boy when a worker said something....

So I said well I was just watching him because he has been complaining about being yelled at by other kids.

So she looks at me, while sipping her little coke and says, "Ya, well, it happens." And then turned around and continued sipping her coke...

Now it took every ounce of self control not to snatch her ball headed.

That is my baby. My 3 year old baby. It is, in my opinion, her job to not only stand there and collect a paycheck, but watch- care for- guide- and protect all those children in that room.

So I went to the director and calmly (well, sort-of) asked if that was the attitude of all the staff in the child care center. She said no and promptly handled it.

She was sweet.

I really do love the Y and so does Aslan.

But I have to say, I have never felt so protective in my life as when I had my boys. When they are of age and can sock someone in the nose... then I feel I can back off :) But until then...

people better watch out. hahaha! But seriously...

Landslide

Lately music has given words to my feelings... apparently I have a tendency to disassociate :) Who knew?

This is the most recent heart piercing song that has sent me into reflection... so good.

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing
cause I've built my life around you
But times makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

Landslide Fleetwood Mac

I Run To You...

In light of my seemingly sassy post a couple of weeks ago :) I thought I might expand a little on what God is teaching me.

This morning I picked up My Utmost by Oswald Chambers and flipped to what I thought was the
right date and started to smile, I even checked the calendar to make sure I had the date right. I did :)

I have been reading this devotional for almost 10 years, it never gets old. This one entry has come up several times at very pivotal times in my life.

The Price of Vision
"In the year that king Uzziah died, I saw the Lord." Isaiah 6:1

Our souls history with God is frequently the history of the "passing of the hero." Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died-I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? or- I saw the Lord?

It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever. "In all the world there is none but thee, my God, none but thee."

Why do I do that to people? To myself? I put people on pedestals they don't belong on. Not because they are not good and holy but because we are all imperfect, all coming short, all needing redemption as much as the next. So I tend to run to others and when the Lord, in His infinite mercy removes them or reveals their nature to me... I am devastated.

I am so over myself. I am over doing this. There is only One worthy of the longing of my heart. Only one friend that is my refuge. There is only One that never hurts or lets me down. There is only One.

I love this song. It's country :) But it is good. It reminds me... who do I run to? Who do you run to?

I Run To You by Lady Antebellum

I run from hate
I run prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late

I run my life
Or is it running me?
Run from my past
Run too fast
Or too slow it seems

When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
To a new disaster, so I run to you
I run to You...

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like sands of time
Slippin' right on through

Our love's the only truth
That's why I run to You...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rs38lKxmtI4&feature=fvst
I can't figure out out to do this so just copy and paste to the deal... :)

p.s. it is not to be listened to with critical theological ears... just enjoy it

A lot can happen....

in just four months :) I suppose the Lord has never really moved on my time tables... and even as I write that He makes me smile. Just when I think He has checked out on me He shows up in a big way. The past few months have felt like an accelerated process of painful refinement and redemption. I have learned so much about myself from Him. And maybe more importantly I have learned about who He is and what and who He is not. He is beautiful... the Only one worthy of my heart's song.

My Aunt Janet made a comment to me a while ago in response to something I said, she is so wise :) She said, "Rachel have you lost your song?" She could not have possibly known how deep that went. We were talking about singin in the car :) and the fact that I didn't sing anymore... not even in the shower. But I felt the Lord push that deep into my soul to a place that has been seemingly dead for sometime.

It is amazing how, without even knowing it you can give away your song to others, thinking it is for them or ask them to sing for you. Mostly I think that comes from a place of fatigue or pain... I wonder too if there are those who without even realizing it, come into your life and think they need to help you sing or even sing for you and before you or they know it-they have taken your voice. Sometimes I think those are the very people who have (seemingly) the best intentions.

Well, friends and family... I am finding my voice again, and it feels good. For the past few months it has been more mourning than singing, and that is ok. It is perfectly ok to cry out in pain-too many people try and tell us how to feel and grieve and find joy. I wish they would stop :) I am me and they are them... My journey looks different from theirs. So now, I have enough strength to say, "Stop paying so much d__m attention to what you think I should be doing and look at your own stuff! 'Cause you got some, I promise. Everybody does."

If this is a little too honest for you :) well, .... hmmm. Maybe this isn't the blog for you. But I hope it is.

"You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?
For You have delivered my soul from death.
Have You not kept my feet from falling,
That I may walk before God
In the land of the living?"
Psalm 56:8,13

I have wandered... "so prone to wander"... but He has kept my feet from falling into death

so-

"do not rejoice over me, my enemy:
When I fall, I will arise;
When I sit in darkness,
The Lord will be a light to me.

I will bear the indignation of the Lord,
because I have sinned against Him,
Until He pleads my case
And executes justice for me.

He will bring me forth to the light;
I will see His righteousness."
Micah 7:8-9

Praises for His faithfulness.

There once was a dream that was Maximus...

1st let me say there are no new pictures because the computer we have now is ancient, and we have no clue how to load photos. I miss our Mac.

Now to the main news...

After our little Maximus showed a little aggression to our children (and myself) by growling, we were a bit worried. And please know that I don't mean cute little 'play with me growling' but mean growling. I called a local vet and she said that wasn't normal at all. She gave me a few things to do and said if it persisted that it was a major issue. Duh right.

Well, I told Clint I felt we had to make a decision a little faster than that. Because what if we kept him and tried to work it out and he didn't improve? The longer he was in our house the more attached Aslan would be. So we made a choice to put him on Craigslist.

I prayed that if the Lord knew he wasn't a good fit for our boys to send someone. Within an hour or so a woman contacted me. She had older children and they just moved to the country. They were wanting him to guard goats. Yay! Perfect fit for Maximus.

But then I wondered if I was making a mistake until... Maximus bit Abraham in the face. :(

So for those of you that are thinking 'I told you so'... here you have it. Please don't call us and tell us that :)

I guess we will keep looking, or maybe wait until the boys are a little older.

I'm a fan of waiting. But we'll see.

Inauguration Day

Today I was at the Y running and of course, every TV was tuned in on the big event. To be honest I am not sure how I feel about today.

I am happy for the fact that this day says to young black Americans that they are capable, endowed, and worthy of such accomplishments that, in the past, have been otherwise denied to them.

Interesting that yesterday was Martin Luther King, Jr. day.

Interesting that Sunday was Sanctity of Life day.

Oh the irony of it all.

I saw that the President and President Elect ate on replicas of the Abraham Lincoln china. Ironic.

"Lincoln is seen as a martyr for the ideal of national unity and human rights." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abraham_Lincoln

I wonder if Martin Luther King Jr. and Abraham Lincoln were mocked and criticized as 'one issue voters'? I wonder if they cared?

It is, in my opinion, a tragedy to campaign on the reputations of men who were willing to-and did-lose there lives fighting for the rights of human beings seen as ... less than human. It is a mockery to identify one's self with such greatness, all the while, supporting the tragic ending of millions of little girls and little boys in the name of... what? In the name of
choice
freedom
ease
reputation
education
advancement?

Oh that we would open our eyes.

Oh that I could support, with righteous reverence and holy submission our President. I pray for the wisdom to do so even as my heart aches for the unborn. No matter who does or does not acknowledge these precious gifts, the Lord Jesus Christ does. The same way He saw Hagar crying in the wilderness and gently cared for her precious child. The Lord God sees all, praises to His name.

May the church take a new direction in fighting for these children. May we find new ways to offer hope to these mothers. Let us open our eyes to a losing strategy and pray for wisdom to approach it fresh and new.

Ultimately, I pray that I might put aside my fear and platitudes in order to show the Gospel in His truest form. For He is Beautiful, Holy, Truth and ultimate freedom. May the world see Christ in my endeavors and in the Church's pursuits.