When Hope is Painful...

believe

" Tonight I forgot a line in the play that you and I
have been rehearsing since the day we met,
It made me put down my script, it made me look around a bit
And wonder how we came to play these roles

I'm here to re-write this tragedy
One line at a time
Hold on, I'm changing all the scenery
it's ok, we'll be fine
Cause we know how this ends

Sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to kill
What of this makes us who we are
All that we love the most, all that we cannot let go
How much change can we survive?

I'm here to re-write this tragedy
One line at a time
Hold on, I'm changing all the scenery
it's ok we'll be fine
Cause we know how this ends
We know there's a better story


There's a better story
Of true love of true grace
There's the hope of glory
And our first chance to be truly brave
It's the place we're going
When we can't stay where we are"
Sarah Grove's Re-write This tragedy

"Lord I believe, but help my unbelief"
Mark 9:24

Summer of Craziness

My silly boys... never a dull moment.


My dad's car show. I'm pretty sure he won first place in his division, he always does :) He built a Shelby Cobra.

This one just makes me smile

Had to flash my claws today....

hahahaha!!

It felt kinda good! :)

Ok first let me say this girl is a fairly nice person... I suppose ;) But she messed with the wrong chica today!

you know how you can get irritated or annoyed with your child but everybody else better watch their tone? I know you know what I mean... :) And I'm not referring to when my child does something legitimately wrong, but when someone is just impatient or haphazard with my child.

No sir... or ma'am or whom ever.

So today I dropped Aslan off at the YMCA childcare (which he usually loves). And I was having one of those mommy moments when I was having a hard time walking out of the room. He has been mentioning that other kids were yelling at him.

Now Aslan is precious but I know he has his share of depravity wrapped up in that little heart of his. But he is a child... and not just any child but my child. And I know when he is being drama and then I know when his feelings are really hurt.

So, back to the Y childcare center. I was standing there scoping out the other kids... a little girl, a few little 3 year olds and a couple of big 6 -7 year old boys. I was standing there trying to discretely send telepathic messages to these bigger boys warning them not to touch my boy when a worker said something....

So I said well I was just watching him because he has been complaining about being yelled at by other kids.

So she looks at me, while sipping her little coke and says, "Ya, well, it happens." And then turned around and continued sipping her coke...

Now it took every ounce of self control not to snatch her ball headed.

That is my baby. My 3 year old baby. It is, in my opinion, her job to not only stand there and collect a paycheck, but watch- care for- guide- and protect all those children in that room.

So I went to the director and calmly (well, sort-of) asked if that was the attitude of all the staff in the child care center. She said no and promptly handled it.

She was sweet.

I really do love the Y and so does Aslan.

But I have to say, I have never felt so protective in my life as when I had my boys. When they are of age and can sock someone in the nose... then I feel I can back off :) But until then...

people better watch out. hahaha! But seriously...

Landslide

Lately music has given words to my feelings... apparently I have a tendency to disassociate :) Who knew?

This is the most recent heart piercing song that has sent me into reflection... so good.

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing
cause I've built my life around you
But times makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

Landslide Fleetwood Mac

I Run To You...

In light of my seemingly sassy post a couple of weeks ago :) I thought I might expand a little on what God is teaching me.

This morning I picked up My Utmost by Oswald Chambers and flipped to what I thought was the
right date and started to smile, I even checked the calendar to make sure I had the date right. I did :)

I have been reading this devotional for almost 10 years, it never gets old. This one entry has come up several times at very pivotal times in my life.

The Price of Vision
"In the year that king Uzziah died, I saw the Lord." Isaiah 6:1

Our souls history with God is frequently the history of the "passing of the hero." Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died-I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? or- I saw the Lord?

It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever. "In all the world there is none but thee, my God, none but thee."

Why do I do that to people? To myself? I put people on pedestals they don't belong on. Not because they are not good and holy but because we are all imperfect, all coming short, all needing redemption as much as the next. So I tend to run to others and when the Lord, in His infinite mercy removes them or reveals their nature to me... I am devastated.

I am so over myself. I am over doing this. There is only One worthy of the longing of my heart. Only one friend that is my refuge. There is only One that never hurts or lets me down. There is only One.

I love this song. It's country :) But it is good. It reminds me... who do I run to? Who do you run to?

I Run To You by Lady Antebellum

I run from hate
I run prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late

I run my life
Or is it running me?
Run from my past
Run too fast
Or too slow it seems

When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
To a new disaster, so I run to you
I run to You...

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like sands of time
Slippin' right on through

Our love's the only truth
That's why I run to You...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rs38lKxmtI4&feature=fvst
I can't figure out out to do this so just copy and paste to the deal... :)

p.s. it is not to be listened to with critical theological ears... just enjoy it

A lot can happen....

in just four months :) I suppose the Lord has never really moved on my time tables... and even as I write that He makes me smile. Just when I think He has checked out on me He shows up in a big way. The past few months have felt like an accelerated process of painful refinement and redemption. I have learned so much about myself from Him. And maybe more importantly I have learned about who He is and what and who He is not. He is beautiful... the Only one worthy of my heart's song.

My Aunt Janet made a comment to me a while ago in response to something I said, she is so wise :) She said, "Rachel have you lost your song?" She could not have possibly known how deep that went. We were talking about singin in the car :) and the fact that I didn't sing anymore... not even in the shower. But I felt the Lord push that deep into my soul to a place that has been seemingly dead for sometime.

It is amazing how, without even knowing it you can give away your song to others, thinking it is for them or ask them to sing for you. Mostly I think that comes from a place of fatigue or pain... I wonder too if there are those who without even realizing it, come into your life and think they need to help you sing or even sing for you and before you or they know it-they have taken your voice. Sometimes I think those are the very people who have (seemingly) the best intentions.

Well, friends and family... I am finding my voice again, and it feels good. For the past few months it has been more mourning than singing, and that is ok. It is perfectly ok to cry out in pain-too many people try and tell us how to feel and grieve and find joy. I wish they would stop :) I am me and they are them... My journey looks different from theirs. So now, I have enough strength to say, "Stop paying so much d__m attention to what you think I should be doing and look at your own stuff! 'Cause you got some, I promise. Everybody does."

If this is a little too honest for you :) well, .... hmmm. Maybe this isn't the blog for you. But I hope it is.

"You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?
For You have delivered my soul from death.
Have You not kept my feet from falling,
That I may walk before God
In the land of the living?"
Psalm 56:8,13

I have wandered... "so prone to wander"... but He has kept my feet from falling into death

so-

"do not rejoice over me, my enemy:
When I fall, I will arise;
When I sit in darkness,
The Lord will be a light to me.

I will bear the indignation of the Lord,
because I have sinned against Him,
Until He pleads my case
And executes justice for me.

He will bring me forth to the light;
I will see His righteousness."
Micah 7:8-9

Praises for His faithfulness.

There once was a dream that was Maximus...

1st let me say there are no new pictures because the computer we have now is ancient, and we have no clue how to load photos. I miss our Mac.

Now to the main news...

After our little Maximus showed a little aggression to our children (and myself) by growling, we were a bit worried. And please know that I don't mean cute little 'play with me growling' but mean growling. I called a local vet and she said that wasn't normal at all. She gave me a few things to do and said if it persisted that it was a major issue. Duh right.

Well, I told Clint I felt we had to make a decision a little faster than that. Because what if we kept him and tried to work it out and he didn't improve? The longer he was in our house the more attached Aslan would be. So we made a choice to put him on Craigslist.

I prayed that if the Lord knew he wasn't a good fit for our boys to send someone. Within an hour or so a woman contacted me. She had older children and they just moved to the country. They were wanting him to guard goats. Yay! Perfect fit for Maximus.

But then I wondered if I was making a mistake until... Maximus bit Abraham in the face. :(

So for those of you that are thinking 'I told you so'... here you have it. Please don't call us and tell us that :)

I guess we will keep looking, or maybe wait until the boys are a little older.

I'm a fan of waiting. But we'll see.